This is my prime entry at mindsay and I really can't think of anything clever to say.  I decided to share my top ten most memorable songs.  These songs I should say are not necessarily my personal favorites but it gives me vivid flashbacks of some of my happiest and not-so-happy points in life.

1.) 214 by Rivermaya : This song had been dedicated to me by three of my (ex) suitors.  I find the song nice but the reason why I smile when I hear this song is.." ito na naman? yan lang ba ang kantang pwedeng idedicate?"

2.) Shout by "I-don't-know-who" : This song launched me as an official member of the terpsichoreans in high school.  We danced this song so well, we performed it three times in different occasions.  Also, while practicing the dance steps of this song marked my first "gin tonic" encounter. 

3.) Bizarre Love Triangle by Frente : My first solo performance in HS Auditorium.  It was during a pageant (where I was just asked on the spot to join) and I have to do something for the talent portion.  My boyfriend by that time left the auditorium when he knew that I joined, luckily for me, he didn't have to tolerate my bubble gum version of that song.

4.) More than you'll ever know by "I-forgot-the-artist" : I had an ex-boyfriend who was three years my senior and we usually talk long hours in the phone.  I was in high school then, he was in college so our personality don't jive taht much.  One day, we were having this argument (over the phone), he got pissed off and hanged the phone.  I cried and was in my "senti" mood when he called up after an hour and without even saying hello, he sang this song over the phone. Really sweet!

5.) 'Til they take my hear away by Claire Marlo : My official "lovemaking" song.  Need I say more?

6.) Ipagpatawad mo by VST and Co., : A friend of mine sang this song in one of our parties in the office.  I was with my hubby but this friend of mine sang the song as if it was meant for me.  This friend became a "special" friend and until now whenever my hubby hears that song, he teases me about my "friend".

7.) Sway by Bic Runga : This was introduced by our trainee, Roan.  I really was hooked with the lyrics and the melody.  It was easy for me to sing this song and made it my official "videoke" song. " Sway my way, don't come and go like you do. Sway my way, yeah I need to know all abou you..."

8.) Panaginip by P.O.T. : I really like this song.  I told myself I'd fall for the one who can and will sing this song to me in person.  Someone dedicated this too me already, but he was a bit late.  Although, the offer still stands for whomever will serenade me with this song.  Serenade daw.  My life as of now is loosely based on this song.  Go check out the lyrics and find out why. he3

9.) Blurry by Puddle of Mud : My hubby and I almost broke up (we always do that), this song was like our story.  He said that the video of this song resembles our life story. I would not agree.

10.) My Butterfly by Orange and Lemons : This is the first song that marked my obsession with the band.  Really, it's my first time ever to get hooked to a local band as I am hooked with this band right now. Damn, i'll even start a cult for them. Bad. Bad me.

So that's it.  A wrap up of my ten most memorable songs.  'til next post. ;)

People who are merely my acquaintance would say that I am perfectly normal, perfectly sane.  I am glad to be thought of that way because I have this neurotic need to please other people.  I would like them to see me as someone not impeccable but someone whose perfectly normal, someone who laughs, cries, win and lose.

I had my bouts of depression before and there had been a time that I dealt it with false courage.  Then, I thought that ending one's life would be the ultimate answer and escape to my life's struggles.

Obviously I have survived my encounter with death.  Thank you to the doctors (whom I can't recall because I was unconscious the time they tried to revive me) who did their job and gave me a second shot at life.  I think that I may be interacting with them without realizing it because I now work in the hospital where I was given this second chance of life. :) So they are the first in my list of whom I want to thank.

I also would like to express my gratitude to my college friends (junior & senior year) whose unfaltering support have kept me sane for the last 4 years or so. 

My maid of honor, Yeye, for being the best gal friend one could have.  Thanks for listening to my incessant woes and grieves and still have the energy to make me smile and laugh.

To Mr. X, for making me realize I really can be stupid and one could not argue with destiny.  Thank you because despite our "odd" friendship we remained friends and we are now "normal" friends.

Whoelse? Kumag, a.k.a. Batman/Red 1 (of Bioman)/Kuya... thank you for making me realize that I can still be loved even when everything in my relationship went wrong.  Thank you for being my shrink during my schizo and catatonic days.  Thank you for the unconditional friendship despite me hurting you.

Thank you to Mr. FCM, our HR Manager and a former professor, who trusted me to have this job.  Salamat at kinuha mo ako kahit puros pang-aasar ang inaabot ko sa'yo minsan.

Thank you to my officemates, especially to Nelson whose making my stay in this organization fun and worthwhile.  Thank you because even we are just doors apart we manage to still chat with each other and make work a fun thing to do. :)

Of course, would I forget my Mama Marissa? Never.  I owe her my new found strength.  I never thought that I could go on and move with life when I thought that everything in life turned its back on me.  Thank you for showing me my worth and helping me change my attitude and views in life.  Sobrang Salamat.  Mahal na mahal kita.

Thanks also to Mr. Mcoy Fundales whose band and wonderful music kept me happy for a year now.  Thank you for being a wonderful artist and thank you for being so down-to-earth, I badly wanted to be your friend.  And thanks for taking time to be one (uy, feeling!).

To Jake who has been the source of my happiness and greatest pain, thank you for adding spice in my life.  You have taught me a lot of things in life.  That we can't have everything and that everything happens for a reason.  I don't know where to our lives would lead us, but whether we fulfill our destiny with or without each other, I want you to know that I never regretted being with you and for choosing to be with you.  You had been a part of me and will always be.

Grimm, my life.  Thank you for being an extension of me.  You're the reason why I still want to exist, change and move on.  Your the reason why I live.

And of course...to GOD.  Who really knows that it was not my time before and gave me this chance and people who will help me go through another cycle of happiness and sadness.  Thank you for giving me not everything I wanted but everything I needed.

To all of you.  Salamat!

I am a self-confessed music lover.  I listen to pop, alternative, goth rock, reggae, RnB, ambient, emo, hip-hop, dance, new wave, metal rock...name it, I probably have at least five mp3s of different genre.

There's a friend who said that life is music.  I suggested  that it is the other way around, music is life.  Anyway you look at it, on different perspectives, both is true and correct.  It may not be absolutely true but still everyone could agree that they have seen their life in music and the artists behind the music have seen their inspiration in life's experiences.

I have listed some songs that would best describe me as a person and my views in love.  All of these songs have inspired me and I could really say that at one point in my life, I was able to relate to the lyrics that I will mention.   Except for the "regret" songs i I really haven't experienced it, just almost.  And I really love the lyrics of the songs.

My Personality

The Tower (Vienna Teng) :

I need not to need, I've always been the Tower

But now I feel like I'm a flower trying to bloom in snow.

Basket Case (Green Day) :

I am one of those melodramatic fools

Neurotic to the bones, no doubt about it.

In Love: with someone you can't have

Out of Reach (Gabrielle)

Out of reach, so far, I never had your heart

Out of reach, you see, we were never meant to be

Panaginip (P.O.T.)

Sa panaginip lang wala kang kapantay...

Sa panaginip lang kita makakasama

In Love: Happy Relationship

You're still the one (Shania Twain)

You're still the one I ran to

the one that I belong to

You're still the one I want for Life

More Today than Yesterday (Goldfinger)

I love you more today than yesterday

But not as much as tomorrow

In Love: Breaking-up/ Goodbyes

Sorry

Sorry..Sorry doesn't make it anymore

I've heard it all before

Same old excuses, as you walk out the door

Best Deceptions (Dashboard Confessional)

Kiss me hard cause this will be the last time that I'll let you.

In Love: Regrets**

Heaven Knows (Orange and Lemons)

I thought I had the strength to set her free

I should have clipped her wings

and made her mine for all eternity.

Same Ground (Kitchie Nadal)

I don't understand, why I'm feeling so bad

when I know it was my idea

I should have denied the truth and lied

Why am I the only one

standing stranded on the same ground.

More of my favorite music next time. ;)

I never thought of myself as an envious person before.  Maybe because most of the time, I am able to get what I want, when I want it.  It took little effort before to acquire something I really like.  A little smile, a little whine and voila I can have what I want.

You know how depressing it can be when I realized that everything's not the same as before.  No matter how swelled my eyes were, I can't seem to have enough resources for one thing I really wanted.  A new damn cell phone. 

I feel so bad because Jake was able to get one just because Egi felt sorry for him.  He got a new cell phone (N5140) plus two shirts (bench body and tribal) and a tribal wallet.  Woaahhh!! How I wish that Egi was not my friend, I mean he gave Jake everything he wanted and turned on me because I'm not able to provide for the luxuries.  Damn! It's not even easy to buy a new top for me nowadays.

What I realized is, and I felt really bad about it... is to know I am sourgraping because Jake have something I don't have.  I really, really know that what I'm feeling is envy for material thing and it makes me feel sick.  Very bad, very evil.

I'm rationalizing that I'm like this because I am used to get everything I wanted, and now I am like a crab, sourgraping with others fortune.

I really feel bad about this.  I am hoping to get over this soon.  Oh, God! I am sorry. I really feel bad.

Nothing is what it seems.  This was what Kirsten Dunst said to her mom in the film when she showed her a picture of Mona Lisa.  She said, "look at her, she's smiling but is she happy?"

I chanced upon Mona Lisa Smile while I was channel surfing as I am having my coffee this morning.  I've already watched that movie but the lines did not struck me before.  Maybe because I was so into Kiki I didn't paid much attention to the movie itself.

Funny how I feel that way.  Nothing is what it seems.  I think that people especially in this organization sees me as someone who's strong or maybe someone who's loose... maybe they like me or maybe they hate me.  I don't know, I'm used to people talking behind my back.  Although I hate to admit it, as much as I try to please other people, there are people I just can't please.

If someone sees me personally, no one would think that I underwent those activated charcoal thing with the gastric lavage procedure. People who knew me well fear for my health and sanity.  They fear that they might really loose me next time I become really depressed. 

Some people see me as strong person.  A facade I am trying so hard to put into reality.

Like Mona Lisa, I am smiling.  I look strong, but I am not.  But the good news is, with help of people around me, little by little I am becoming strong in my own way.  Not perfectly free from depression but at least I am smiling and I am making reasons to make it real.

"... I want  a ticket to anywhere

Maybe we could make a deal.

Maybe together, we could get somewhere.

Any place is better

Starting from zero I got nothing to lose."

I told a friend I wanted to get out of this country, maybe he could help me.  It turned out that he's planning to go to New Zealand.  As soon as I read his message, this song popped in my mind and I've been humming it since yesterday.

He told me he'd like to help me but he plans on leaving his country also.  He thinks that it's next to impossibe but he still wishes he could go to New Zealand.  I told him that nothing is impossible.  Maybe his plans (him going to New Zealand) or my plan (me going anywhere in the world, except for Iraq and Iran) may not be probable at this time due to some restrictions or scarcity of resources, but lest not loose hope.  Time will come that we'll be at the places where we think we ought to be.

I fervently hope that both of us see a clearer future ahead.

It was a lazy thursday night, my sister and mom asked if we could accompany them to the mall to buy their wedding gifts.  Jake and I with no choice left, agreed to go to the mall.  Since I already have changed from my office uniform to something more casual, we decided that we would spend the night getting drunk.  It was a good timing because O:NL have a gig at Gasoline Alley last night.

Last night was fun.  I was able to meet and make new friends (I hope!)... They were really nice and amiable.  Mr. MDF is really a great guy, he never fails to mention our names (JAKE & I) whenever we watch their gigs.   He also takes time to chat with us after their set.  I'm glad that at least we were able to have our pic taken together...after number of nights I watched them....

I hope that when they really are popular they would not change... I hope they won't end up have swollen heads. he3

Last saturday, on impulse I watched Orange and Lemons at Megastrip.  My supposed schedule to watch the citrusbois again should be on the 27th...I just watched them last 16th at Gasoline Alley.  I am really addicted in watching thier gigs. Tsk, tsk. I have to commute by FX going to Megamall, and it had been a long time since I rode a public transport.  Plus the fact that I left home at past eight in the evening, it was kind of scary for me.

But dang!!! my fear and nervousness was all worth it!!! The guys had a swell set.  They sang songs form their first and second album, and did some new wave cover and a beatle song.  A wonderful night I say! Despite my personal problem during that night, it was forgotten while watching the guys.  'Though I have to deal with it again after their set.

Anyways, yesterday I decided to be marked for life.  I decided to have a tattoo of "purple dolphin".  It is still swelling and Jake said that it would subside after three days to a week.  He also suggested that I take antibiotic just to be sure that I won't get infected. 

This is one major step of deviating to my own norm...I don't know if it's a good thing or bad thing.  I was happy with the dolphin behind my back, i'm just scared of infection. haha.

Nweis, i'll probably take a picture of it after a week and post it here. ;)

I was not supposed to let anyone from our house know about my tattoo.  My mom will sure have a bitch fit when she knows of this.  I know that eventually, someone will know of this (maybe by accidentally seeing it or if someone forgot to keep his mouth shut). Unfortunately Jake (who promised that my tattoo will be kept a secret for the time being) forgot to throw the evidence (my haltered top that was soaked in blood--i'm a bleeder!).  Someone saw it (his mom)and asked what happened with my top, I told her to go ask his son.  Aagghh!!! As of now I dunno if after office hours the whole house will know about it. Tsk, tsk...

I know I'm supposed to be nonchalant about this... i mean I decided to have this.  But our family is so damn conservative they would not understand this.  I did it because, little by little I want to experience freedom... freedom from being a traditionalist, freedom from my parents, freedom from my own fears.  Obviously, I have not conquered all my fears.  Maybe later I'll not be a coward anymore when confronted.

I really hope so.

I'm sick.  I'm physically ill as well as pychologically.  I'm having dilemmas.  I can't even express the sadness, the agony I am feeling.  I feel that everything in my life now is wrong.  My relationship with Jake, and the way I deal with it.  I don't know if my venture for finding my own happiness will succeed.  I really hope so.

My mind's so damned dazed right now.  I feel that I am near self-destruction.  I hope that this is just one of my bouts of depression which I will overcome soon.  Please. I really hope this is just one of those shitty days.

Yesterday Jake and I officially broke up.  We already talked to our parents about us splitting up (only his mom knew the real reason, my parents don't have any idea of what's really going on). 

Even I anticipated that we well eventually part ways, the reason why we did so damn hurts.  I never thought he can give me more pain than what he inflicted last year, but he's a master of torturing my poor heart and soul. I told him he's a scum... the lowest of the low...because he really is.

but I hope...despite my anger towards him, i hope that he'll find the peace he wants (may he rest in peace!)....

Aagghh!!! What now?

After how many days of sulking and killing myself with tears and worries, I eventually have to get up and get back to work.  But I still feel sluggish.  It's a good thing that our training was moved to next week. 

My mom was already informed of the scenario, I have to threaten her that I'll leave the house or kill myself if she in any way would get hysterical of the situation.  Gladly, she listened.  My sis was so worried that she and her family will be kicked out of the house once our mom knew of what really happened.  I am glad I was able to talk to my mom.  Maybe people around her pre-judge because of her nagging nature.  But she really can listen and what's important... she's willing to help me move on.

I'm so tired with how many days of crying...my officemates told me that my eyes seem sad, if they only knew.

My mind's still dazed.  I feel my heart has calloused but I can't disregard the fact that my son will soon know the truth and it breaks my heart to think that my son will suffer.  What am I to do?

Yesterday, Jake went to our house and said hello to Grimm.  My son, like a miracle was in an exorbitant jolly mood yesterday.  He was laughing hysterically at trivial words he hears.  The thought of my son being fooled about the situation hurts me, but we should.  He loves his father so much I don't know what he will do or say when he knows that Jake's leaving us for good.

As for me, I was able to survive my first official day at work (after the break-up) without having to cut the day off and leave.  I did talk to an officemate yesterday, gave him the gist of what happened and unlike my other stories, I realize I really am calloused at heart.  I can talk of what happened without having to cry, I can even laugh.  Maybe if you're hurt by the same person over and over again, your heart will soon get tired and eventually apathy will rule over my system.

Altered Soul.  My whole life has been tainted by one person.  For eight years, my life revolved around him.  Now I'm willing to start my life again, even if it means that I have to start from scratch.

I've asked my mom to allow me to take some time out on my own.  I have to, I can't bear to be in the house for long.  It's giving me bad vibes, bad memories. 

God help me.

It's a monday. Start of another work week.  A new start for me and my son... just the two of us.  I know that the road ahead of us is not smooth, I don't recall any road ahead of me as smooth...I've always been travelling the bumpy road.

I just hope that together, My son and I will be able to get over the loneliness of being abandoned.  I am not alone, he's not alone...we have each other, I just hope it would be enough to make it and go through everything.

I got another news from Jake's relative, they informed me that he brought another woman in their house at hill. All I was able to react was..."ah, okay, maybe he's happy that way.  So let him be."

I haven't cried for sometime now, I am even surprised at myself... I feel strong, or maybe my heart's just too calloused to feel anything.  A girl friend said to me yesterday that I inspired her not to succumb to her own marital problems...she said that her problems a pity compared to what I have just experienced.

At least, it's a good thing that I am inspiring my friends to hold onto life, despite that I was the one who wanted none of it before.  Life's expereriences can really change people.  I hope that the strength I have right now is not just a facade...I can't even understand myself for not feeling anything.

I'm just praying right now that God will help me overcome my problems and that He will help me raise my son the best I could.

I don't want to fall in love again!!! Aagghhh!!!

I'm falling for the next guy whose good to me....

kaye said i went kuku.  she's probably right.  i'm acting silly lately.  i'm sometimes talking nonsense, like this.

i've much nothing to write but i feel i missed out on reading some of the wonderful blogs i've subscribed in here.  people in this site are really nice.  i don't know,  it's my first time in history to actually find time to continuously update my blog. hah.

maybe because it's one of the things i could do to divert myself from depression.

hah. thank to this site and to my friends.  I may went kuku, but at least I'm still alive.

Today, i'm listening to Stone Roses.  The band was introduced to me by Sid, and they're really good.  It's not the usual music I listen to, but it's nice to have a new breed of music in my mp3 player.

hmmm.... i really like Sally cinnamon :)

coolness.

I am not what the people perceived me to be. 

Funny how I get messages in myspace saying..."you're hot!" or a man leaving me his number.  There's this one time that I was buying an E-load from a stall, the guy who heard my number from the seller, outta nowhere texted me and called me, he wants to be my friend he says. There's this one time also, taht a man in the mall was giving out flyers, he handed one to me and said, there's my number on it.  Hilarious it happend all within a week.

I don't know what aura I am projecting right now, but it seems that they're reading me wrong.  I feel that these people see me as an easy prey which they could pounce on at any moment. 

I've experienced this before, I am always seen as a somewhat "promiscuous" woman.  My mom even said, that maybe the reason why my ex-hubby liked me was because he thought I was hot...only did he realize I was a freakin' frigid!

Maybe because it's the way I carry myself... what I'm worrying  right now, is because of this misconception about me...now that I am trying to have fun, people me would tell me that  I've gone wild.  When I don't interact much with people, they say I am a snob but when I do, they think of me as a slut.  Always in the extremes.

Only a few people can and do understand me.  I'm hating bigots again!!!

This blog is gibberish:  I'm kinda high from lack of sleep.

I went home around five o'clock this morning.  I slept around 5:30 and woke up at 6:15 AM.  So I had an incredible 45 minutes nap.

Joanne and I Stayed on a friend's pad.  I had fun... but honestly, I can't remember everything I did.  Joanne and Clem kind of hitnit off...they're really cute. Hahaha.  Me...I'm happy and I know it.

Kinda confused though...I hope Doc is not mad at me for making him wait. 

: : It's funny how I like holding hands with you... : : Aww!

Lately everything seems to be crazy... the people I met, the people I know, the people around me...and me.

I was sulking these past few days, another attack of depression came in.  I am trying so hard not to be in that situation anymore, but I guess it's just inevitable.  I am always trying to escape the harsh reality of loss by looking for something in people I meet.  I know it's absurd, but company keeps me sane.

Eversince I was a teenager, I have been in and out of relationships.  Before, I was the one who always call it quits.  When I decided to go straight and be serious, that's when everything went wrong.  I think it's what they call Karma, but I feel that what I have experienced and still experiencing because of a certain person is enough, if not more than enough to pay for the feelings of the people I've hurt before.  The pain and trauma of being hurt over and over again by this certain person had almost caused me my life and now my sanity.

I am having difficulty understanding myself anymore, I feel that my coping mechanism with regards to this lost is somewhat bringing back the old me, the one that didn't care what others might think, but I do care now...and I don't know where to and how to start acting normally.  I have disoriented thoughts of what I want and who I want. 

Yes, right..there's a who.  For eight years, I've been in the relationship with now my ex, I could hardly recall any romantic moments we had spent together, the most outstanding would be during our first few months of living together when we had a vacation at Baguio.  I feel that all the sweetness and romantic events in our life was left in that place. Throughout the years, we have been good friends though.  Like peers whose liking the same movie, music, shows and trivias.  It was a good thing that both of us in a way stimulates each other's intellectual need for conversation.  And I believe that it was what binded the relationship.

Now, there' a person whom I've met only for months, the other for weeks, but I could give at least a handful instances that they made me smile and that I actually enjoyed being with them.  Both now are my good friends.  I am hoping to keep the relationship with both of them platonic as not to confuse my feelings for wanting for a rebound relationship.

And it's a struggle, with all the hurt and hatred, I tend to be vulnerable to people who I think cares for me...or at least think that they are interested in me.  So I'm giving myself a challenge... not to fall for the next best person. 

I'm hoping I can sort out my feelings...what I want, who I want, when I want.  I don't want to fall flat in my face in the web of the so called love. 

Not yet.  Not yet.

Birthdays... i love 'em.  Maybe it the egocentric me, but i love it when i know that my birthday is just around the corner. :) 

I am a Leo, and I just realized that I have a number of friends who are Leo's...As Sid says, "Leo Rocks!!!". Hahaha.

So obviously, Sid's a Leo, his birthday way July 30 but celebrated it last July 31 at a condominium at Wack-Wack...I did not go...I don't know any people there.  And knowing the people from Wack-Wack or Sid's circle of friends they will all be hmmm, high-end, of the upper class.  I'm not much in the mood for socialization with the A & B.

It's Joy's birthday today...we call her Goddess.  I also did not go to her "booze reload". AAghh!!!

Nelson will be celebrating his birthday on the 6th, a day before my birthday.. Yey!!!!

Woohoo!!! I love Birthdays.

I just celebrated my 25th birthday yesterday.  The day was like any ordinary day, no feeling of excitement whatsoever.  I am usually in extraordinarily gay mood during my past birthday celebrations, except for this one.

Actually, the day was not that bad... I was greeted by my friends from gradeschool, highschool, and college.  I was also greeted by an officemate and two lemon heads.  Not bad!!!!  It was when I was greeted by the two lemon heads that my day started to pick up.  I felt a little more special... thanks to them.

I've been loading on booze since friday.... always strong ice.  Last night, I had 2 glasses of mudslide (Bailey's and Rhum) and 2 bottles of beer, in that order. I felt a bit queasy last night, so I concluded that my best formula for booze overload, is to drink beer first before the hard liquor.  Kinda the opposite of what the normal drinking scenario should be.  Others use beer to "wash" down the hard liquor especially if they are drinking gin. 

I also received a message from someone yesterday...he didn't greet me... he doesn't have an idea that it was my birthday.  Although he tried to tell me that he doesn't have credits that's why he don't text me that much anymore.  I badly wanted to ask why...why all of a sudden he abruptly avoided me.  It's been bugging me for weeks now... the question of us being friends are not clear to me anymore.  I mean we don't have any relationship besides being friends so I really can't understand why all of a sudden a guy friend would avoid a "girl" friend like me.  I've been repeating in my mind in cycles what happened before  I noticed this "akward" thingy with him.  And I can't see any reason why... I know it's no big deal...with been friends for more than two weeks only...but it's my first time to encounter this situation.  I understand that some of my exes before did not talk to me after two years because I hurt them in a way, but I've never been avoided by a friend...and it's really bugging me.

Last friday, we missed the chance of seeing each other, he arrived at the party place by the time I left.  So no hello's for us.   Actually, I want to chance upon him I person soon.  I'd like to know if he'd avoid me as well.  Or he will just act noncholantly.

But the night didn't ended that bad.... I got from my son a letter, greeting me a happy birthday.  And that was the greatest gift I received yesterday.

Yesterday, I was texted by one lemon head, asking where's the celebration for  my birthday.  I said that I have already celebrated it twice, with booze overload and that there might be some post celebration with a friend, but am not sure where exactly and when.  He replied it with... "where would WE celebrate your birthday...as in like US."  I thought at first he was joking, so I told him that with his busy schedule, how could he fit me in his schedule...and he said that he has free time yesterday and was actually asking me to go out and that's why he texted.  The problem is, my mom and I have a scheduled appointment at a salon/spa.  Too bad!!!! The lemonhead...actually inviting me...that's super cool!

Also, this friend I am mentioning in my previous blog, texted me late in the afternoon, asking what can he do with his severe sore throat.  I told him some instructions and asked him to have a check up if symptoms persist.  I was kinda surprised he texted me... I was planning to erase his number on my cellphone and forget about this friend until we see each other in person and take it from there.

Last night, he was texting me like before... like saying "dolcissimo". ;) Although we've not been texting for quite some time now, i feel sorry for him and I was hoping I really could do something to help him...or take care of him.  He doesn't have someone with him in the hospital (or as he implies) to look out for him.

So I'm really hoping he'd get well soon.  He's having a lot of laboratory tests and a lot of blood have been taken for these exams... tsk, tsk...

Get well, schiz!

this might be one of those one time, big post.  I haven't blogged for awhile because the schedule, believe it or nor has become a pain the arse.  I have been so lax in the past, work actually has become a stranger. Hehe.

Schiz was discharged from the hospital on the 12th of August.  He actually changed my biological clock... I am now texting till the wee hours of three o' clock or three thirty in the morning ....my cellphone is working overtime, the only time I don't use it is when it's charging, like about 2 hours.  A little overboard, but I am happy.  Funny thing, I dunno how I will act when I see him again in person.  We are so comfortable just communicating through cellphone and the last time we saw each other was funny and romantic at the same time...and vague.

my favorite lemonhead is mad at me... he asked me out twice last week and turned him down on both occasion.  well, i really so much wanted to just agree and spend time with him, but i'm having second thoughts because I know that the date might lead into something i am not prepared for.  i am so torn....i really, really like him... but not enough for me to neglect my paranoia with everything.  he's beginning to be a big "what if" of my life. 

kaye and i met up last saturday and watched the charlie and the chocolate factory.  I really liked the movie.  We were laughing and getting sentimental at the same time.  The movie i suppose was meant for the kids and the kids at heart...the lines were sarcastically funny.  I fell in love with Willy Wonka.  After movies, we ate at this pasta house, which had been a disappointment because their chicken paramigia was not that delectable as it looked on the menu.  After pasta, we bought 2 packs of Dunhill Menthol Lights and started to punish our lungs together with iced latte at Metro Bar Cafe.  It was an awe to actually smoke beside kaye because she's just new to this lung punishing habit.  nevertheless, it was her choice not mine.  after a pack of cig was finished, rex, another college friend of ours dropped by and joined us in.  i am teasing them that i look like a chaperone...althouhg actually he looks like OUR bodyguard. hahaha.  Schiz and I were supposed to meet, but because of the event at mega strip, Ortigas was actually jam packed... he told me can't find a free parking space so I told him that maybe we could have our chit chat some other time.  Whew! that was close.  as much as i wanted to see him and know he's okay...i just don't know how to appropriately act with him. Maybe next time...if there'll be one.

i received a call from one of our technicians here last sat.  he told me that one of their casuals at office saw me and he described what i am wearing during that time.  so i was like, "are you not sure you are not in the area?"  he said he wanted to talk me and missed me...which i find funny.  my college friends said that the guy has stalker tendencies... he called me thrice that night and texted me in between.  i told him that he might be having a misunderstanding with his girlfriend that's why he's acting silly.

after coffee, we decided to have sisig at Dencio's (where one could taste the most delicious sisig in the country).  Yummy! my craving for the food was fully satisfied.  Uhh-uhm!

The three of us decided to drown ourselves with booze at home.  in that way, it will be cheaper.  So at home, we had beer and a music fest.  We sang along o the songs of the beatles (which was kaye's favorite), 80's music, guns and roses, sex pistols, rage against the machine, the ramones up to songs of disturbed and cake.  It was like fast tracking the music genre and it was fun.  We slept around five to five thirty in the morning.  I got up around seven in the morning.  I am beginning to wonder why alcohol has a different effect on me...it's making me more perky.  Rex suggested that I am actually an alcoholic and that's the reason why. Haha. No, I am not. 

aagghhh...there's more to come. tomorrow!

I was not able to keep my own promise.  The last time i wrote my one big post, I was supposed to continue it the next day, but far fetched as it seems, I really am starting to get busy.

I would randomly recall the significant and not so significant events of my life this past week and this week i guess....

Yesterday I received a call from the Office of our CEO/President asking me to drop by their office ASAP.  Being called for by the "big boss" I hurried to their office and immediately reported.  He asked me if I could be the official photographer of our organization... I said yes because most of the time, I really am the one being called for when there are special occasions here.  After the talk, within an hour, a messenger dropped by the office giving me my official designation as official photographer.  I'll be responsible for this and that as well as all the media equipment (that clause, I find really cool ;P)...I find it funny because I didn't have any formal curse in photography nor it had been my hobby before.  the only thing I'm good at is with camera phone provided that I'll be taking a picture of myself. hahaha.

Actually, being a photographer would be me, in mode 3 because it was agreed upon that I will also act as the executive secretary for the Administrators...woah! big time bosses!!! that's me in mode 2. Of course, my regular position here as training coordinator would still be my 1st mode.  Hmmm, i dunno why all of a sudden I have three concurrent job.... Tsk, tsk... but i guess, that's not bad after all because I'll be paid overtime (for mode 3) and with  honorarium (i certainly hope so...they're still negotiating for it).  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the honoraria, it would help me with my finances these days... tsk, tsk.

So that's whats keeping me busy...also that mode 1 is demanding because of a three day workshop for the doctors...hmmm, hmmm... i feel like a robot! dang!!!!

But of course, with what happened in my life, I still make it a point to enjoy my weekends.  Last Friday, we watched a band called "The Members" and they we're so friggin' good!!!  They do swell covers of The Beatles , The Cascades, The Ventures, and The Shadows.  Their lead guitarist is awesome.... he could riff well... really, really cool.  And their drummer? Oh, gawd, his hand is like one of the best in the local scene.  Astig!!!! Superb!!! Excellent!!!!  When he does his exhibition with the drums, all people were shouting!!!! make all of tiny little hairs in my body rise in awe! Hahaha.

Saturday, I dropped by the office to pick up my radio because I am supposed to transcribe the minutes of the meeting...went to a mall with my mom, paid my electric bill had lunch, then head home.  As i was just about to change into my shirt and shorts, i received a message from a friend in highschool asking me to meet him at SM San Lazaro... so i rested for awhile, took a shower and then met him.  I was glad  I did... he told me that he'll soon marry and he wants me to take care and organize this important even in his life.  I was so excited... this is one of my dream job.  To be an events organizer or a wedding coordinator.  Weeee!!!! I'm excited by the idea of pulling this off as wonderful and gorgeous as it could get. :D

After our early dinner at Chef D' Angelo (which by the way, serve good food at an affordable price) we headed to Starbucks West to meet up with our highschool friends.  We arrived only to find out that there were two people who attended the supposedly reunion meeting.  After my double tall hazelnut latte, I asked Gibe to drop me at Libis where I would meet up with Kaye (naturally ;P).

At Libis, we strolled for awhile, people watching.  We settled at a table outside Gweilos and we both had a glass of Cosmopolitan.  I dedcide that we'll just have a glass, a fwe puffs and were out.  Kaye look so stoned with lack of sleep and only cigarette as source of nourishment. Tsk, Tsk... We talked about her crush with her boss, and how I remind her...over and over again not to fall because the guy is married.  I told her that it would be okay to make her boss as a source of inspiration to go to office or even to make herself up, but not... definitely not do anything that would open doors for an illicit affair.  I've been there and I was at the losing end...so I told her that I don't want my best friend to be a home wrecker.

On a lighter note (really???)... I found out taht Schiz was 31 years old.... he look so young.   He could pass up from 19-27 at the most.  Dang!! Why does he have to be so pretty!!!!  He's still seein this Disc jock girlfriend of his, whom is known in the country as Stinky.... so how could i compete with that eh?!!! Hahaha... Nevermind.  I was really turned off.  I mean, while brushing my teeth after lunch, I remembered how he asked me during our last encounter, if it's okay with me to date/see a guy who doesn't wash his face..blah, blah, blah... I though he was joking about this hygiene thing...but I guess, well... too bad, I really go for clean looking guys (but Schiz, looks clean I swear!) and nice-smelling too!!!  A definite turn-on is someone whose body chemistry goes well with the perfume of his/her choice.   I looovveeee delish-smelling people :D  So that made me think... maybe it'll be better if i won't give much effort of being friends with Schiz... I mean, I like him in a way because he's so witty but...I don't want but's....I want to like a person and that's it.

Today is Wednesday, actually lemonhead had asked me out last Monday to go out with him today or tomorrow... I still can't go with him, for the reason that... seeing him on tv makes my knees weak...hearing his voice on the radio makes me swoon... what more if I get to date him... He'll probably ran for his life because I'll definitely harass him. Hahaha.  I told him that I had a fever and severe migraine.  Which I internalized so well, by the time I got home from office... I was really sick.

I slept late tonight..actually it was more of 2 am.  Tried to finish my minutes butto no avail.  I'll probably finish it later this evening... I need to! 

It kept me wonder too.... why is it that when I drink alcohol, no matter how short my sleeptime is or I don't sleep at all...I could still be perky the whole day.  But when I sleep at 2 because I actually worked (2 is usually early for me)...I feel so tired and I can't open my eyes to wake up.  It had ben a struggle to get my mucsles moving today. :D

Hmmm.... see... i really missed blogging.  Hope I can do this more often again soon!!!

Tsk, tsk, tsk.  Imagine it's already the 31st of August, few more hours and yeah, Christmas countdowns would start already.  As of the time I am writing this, I feel like a zombie.  If not a zombie, someone who just had five glasses of zombie. Hahaha :))

Since monday, my mind is pre-occupied of my new tasks... photo op there and everywhere, deadline for submitting my minutes, the upcoming agenda....my lax moment was totally eradicated.  Now I'm just writing this so I could take off my mind at work even for awhile and as I hark back to what happened to me within the past few days I can't help but feel glad and sad at the same time.

Work... although I am confused as to what reasons am I doing all these extra tasks, I am still thankful for the opportunity to actually work with the big bosses of the institution.  The trust and confidence they've given me for the job was tremendous it actually terrifies me...I hope I won't f*ck up anything.  I really hope as well, that I could already adjust with the pressures.

Social/Lovelife??? Hmm...my officemate/s and I were talking about lemonhead.  My pakner here knows how excruciating it is for me to turn down  lemonhead.  He said that if lemonhead still asks me out for the 6th time, I could consider myself as someone whose charm would pass as above average...or at least for  LG (lemonguy ;).  Yesterday I was at a Strat Plan in Shangri-La... there was an impassing conversation before that if he's not busy he would try to pick me up at Shang.  Although he invited me the night before, yesterday during lunch time, I received a message from LG asking me if I could make time during or after thier gig last night.  Obviously, I can't.  After a few exchange of messages, he asked me to finish my work so I could meet up with him later that night.  I still can't so he asked if it would be okay if I'll have a visitor that evening.  I told him I can't allow any visitors at home for some personal reasons... so he suggested that he would just pick me up so that we could have coffee at ministop (do u know, I really am beginning to love this place...any mini stop would do!! hehehe ).   Still, a no from me.  As he texted me his last reply, I can actually feel the frustration in his message that simply reads..." Haayy, Oh well..." and I myself is frustrated with the situation and myself.  When the truth is I'm thinking of what it would be like to spend some time with him....I'd want so much to just grab the opportunity everytime he asks me out...but everytime he does... I chicken out!!!  Huhuhu... I'm hoping that next time I could actually post an account with my dream date come true with the lemonhead. hehehe.

See my post???..i'm using huhuhu and hehehe in one sentence...it just show how dazed I am with my feelings.

Really now... tsk, tsk...nuninuninu....

INXS: lemonhead actually used nuninuninu with me and all the while I thought that I was the only one kuku enough to use that term. :D

Aagghh!!! Actually my body is so damn tired today.  Funny because I slept the whole day yesterday, except for a few hours that i needed to eat and take a bath. 

Last Friday night, after my mom's sked check up with her cardiologist we decided to go to a bar instead to a salon for a facial.  Her check up ended up late we decided that it'll be better to spend the night drinking.  Yep, my mom joined me and friendship (my ex) to a late  friday night out.  As usual, when there's no cocktail, I go for my usual drink which is Strong Ice, I only had three bottles because I have a scheduled jogging the morning after.  what I liked about that night was when people started to request "Hanggang Kailan" by Orange and Lemons.  The band because of the outpour of the requests had no choice but to perform their own rendition of the song.  The vocalist said, okay, we'll perform this, it's the request of the night! Whoa!!! Make me so proud of my citrusbois!!! Hehehe.  When the band started to sing the soung, audiences we're like yelling and singing along at the same time.  Hmmm, I'm so happy for my fave band now that a lot of people are now digging their stuff.

Come Saturday, I woke up with a hang-over.  This is because 3 bottles of beer were not enough.  Tsk, tsk.  I had to rush taking a bath because I thought I'd be late for my schedule with Kaye.  It turned out, she had too many drinks, that by the time I was texting her it was only the time she woke up.

Kaye and I had experimented on new things to do:  First we met at Gateway (where I bought my Rock and Roll sleeveless, which I think is adorable) then we decided to brisk walk UP instead of jogging the whole area (this so because we have bulks of knapsacks behind us.)  We had lunch at Chocolate Kiss ( I recommend this place, their food is so yummy!!! especially the one that I had, Chicken ala Kiev)...dang their devil's cake is really sumptuous!  After lunch, we walked again until we reached the outer part of UP where we hailed a cab.  We decided to drop by the mall first because Kaye forgot to bring her jeans...At the mall, I feel akward knowing that I feel that I smell terrible becuase of the sweat and all.  After a few hours of looking for nice clothes for her we went to Aspen Spa at Brickroad and had a sauna and massage.  Wow!!!! It's been long since I had my last sauna... I liked the way how I sweated, I feel like that I'm losing pounds as I perspire.  After sauna, we had a warm bath then we were given tea wgile we wait for our rooms to be preperad for the massage.  We saw an actress by the name of Denise Joaquin who came out of the massage room.  While the masseure was doing her thang, I was smiling... i feel like a princess pampered during that time.  I felt that all th tensions in my body are being taken by the nice lady.  I was thinking...I'll do this more often!!! Hehehe.

After the massage, we dropped by the mall again to wait for another friend... actually it was the guy who Kaye almost had a relationship with.  We went to Station Grill after.  there were only few people when we arrived.  I kinda felt that I was like a chaperone, so I texted Rhia to hurry up and get there as soon as possible.  Rhia did not disappoint me because only after 10-15 minutes, she arrived with her sister.

As we were waiting for the performance of our fave band, none other than Orange and Lemons of course, the evening started to disappoint me.  The front acts were from this entertainment company which provided dancers and female models.  My friends and I were like..." what the hell is this?"..."Is this a joke?"...Agghh...

Past 12 midnight and the band didn't started with their set yet.  Rhia and I were started to people watch.  Clemen (the othe vox) passed by us... he looks so drunk and well... stoned.  We did not bother saying hi to him.  But as soon as he saw me, he laughed and started mocking me..."HAHA! you're fat!!!" Oh Gawd!!! I wanted to push him in the river at that very moment!  Rhia and a friend gazed at me and signalled me not to pay attention to him.  But I was like..."Oh shit!!!"  I hated Clem for that.

Then my my lemonguy (LG) came in our circa as well.  He kissed me hello and our other firnds too (but he kissed me first!!! weee!!!!).  I took a sit while he was greeting the other people in the area.

I was slouched in my seat when he took a chair and sat down beside me.  Gosh, I felt really close to him that evening.  We had a small talk and ah... that made the night wonderful.

I was asleep almost the whole sunday.  I got up around 330 and checked my cell..got a message from LG who texted me around 230 to ask how my night was.  After a few texts, i slept again. Woke up again at 530 and took a bath.  Got a message form LG telling me that they have a meeting at UR's office and would like to go out with me.  I said okay and he said that he'd pick me up around 930.  When I was about to ask for the details...lo and behold...I can't send my message because I got no load.  So I saw it as a premonition that it's not the right time to go out with him yet.  But I was like... *blush*blush. hehehe.

Hmmm... I really do hope that I could keep my friendship with LG.  It would be hypocrite of me if I don't say I like him.... Agghh!!!! 

Again...another. nuninuninu

i'll make this post short.

oh gawd! after the nth time lemon guy asked me... we finally well, had a date. The memorable moment was Ka-yes Birthday!!  ** Kaye** I made your birthday a momentous event... for me! sorry... hehehe :D

gist of the date : lemonguy is one hell of a good kisser! he tasted friggin' sweet!!! awww!!!

Okay. So how do I start with this thing again? This is one of those rumbled thoughts.  Please try to understand that I am not myself right now.

Aaggghh!!! Honestly, I felt that for weeks now I've been lost.  Yep, lost... although I am physically present to everyone, I know that others have felt that somehow I have drifted away.  I was caught up with things that were happening to me... new people, new experiences...I was ecstatic with what life was showing me.  For a short time, I felt invincible... that I can do whatever I want because I know that I am free...People are starting to like me...

I've lost a comfort thing just the other week... the cellphone I've ever wanted (I even remember posting my huhu's about having a new phone before) was taken away by this bad bad person.  He's a bad bad person because he took not only an item from me but a source of my "moving on stage".  I felt really bad... even to the point that physically I am not well anymore...

I have such thing for guilt trips... and this one... is because of my lost cp.  shallow.  I know.  I think I need to re-focus my thoughts.  I've been so narcisstic nowadays I feel now that I'm like an epitome of bitchiness (in the bad sorta way)...I need to think that I need not have all the material things I want to be happy...Simple things, simple joy.  I am educating myself now.  Starting today.

Ohh, blast it. I am so senseless.  Hahaha.

Deym...!!!! As I saw this poem from the movie, one song from the soundtrack  just came into my mind..I want you to want me by Letters to Cleo... I wish I could have my own Patrick Verona!!!

"I hate the way you talk to me 
and the way you cut your hair 
I hate the way you drive my car 
I hate the way you stare 
I hate your big combat boots 
and the way you read my mind 
I hate you so much it makes me sick 
it even makes me rhyme 
I hate the way you're always right 
I hate the way you lie 
I hate it when you make me laugh 
and even more when you make me cry 
I hate it when you're not around 
and the fact that you didn't call 
but mostly I hate it that I don't hate you 
not even close, 
not a little bit, 
not even at all."

Awww!!!!

the revelation yesterday kept me awake last night.  actually, catatonically awake would better fit my description.  last night was one of those i-wish-the earth-would-swallow-me- now moment.  those are times that i can not think clearly... it's more than being my fickle minded... at least when one thinks that s/he is fickle minded, they have an idea of what they like and just change it afterwards becuase they feel that there is or there are better options.  with me, i just don't have any idea..blank, nada, kaputz!

i think the direction of my life or the person i would actually want to be with is something i can not write in my wishlist.  superficial things i suppose can be listed and changed periodically (which i do often nowadays), but always, there's always something... those saturday gimmicks can not fill in.  i am prompted by my situation and thinks i need some sort of soul searching, although i do believe i need one, the question is how do i start?

what do i say kept me awake all night.. .

1. someone lied to me.  i didn't like it.  i expected too much from the friendship.
2. despite the fact the guy lied... i could not automatically hate him.  i am wondering why in fact am i longing to see him the soonest possible time.  weird.
3. i saw friendship texting all night.  i don't like the idea that he could flirt without feeling guilty, while i on the other hand feels that whenever i start to flirt all karma bounces back..asap. ugh!
4. as i see him, i was thinking (i really thought of it) taht what if we patch things between us.  but i decided, look at him he has his girls left and right even giving in to a minor, so what the hell am i thinking about making things up. out! out!
5. i realized that i am thinking of succumbing to the realtionship because i felt like a loser.  that no matter what happens, un-official single (moms) like me would always be in the losing streak.  and i find it uber unfair.
6. and after thinking this thoughts... i started thinking... what the hell is my problem...

so i was awake all night... because obviously... my weird thoughts have nothing been but a vicious cycle.  i ask myself, i answer myself, then eventually contradict myself.

one thing for sure 'though... if in any case i find a shrink, i'd gladly welcome him in my life and would want to talk him..stat!

I've not blog for quite sometime now.  Although I've been meaning to, it's just sometimes, I don't have the time (which is pretty absurd) or sometimes my drive to write is overwhelmed by my extreme apathetic state until I lose all thoughts and emotions pent up inside me. 

It's been weeks since I feel like I am losing myself.  Physically i'm exhausted, psychologically I feel deranged, morally and spiritually... i'm MIA.  Haha! As much as I hate to admit it, I still border between those people who wants to be liberated but can't be because of the values issues.  I do things and yet I am strucked by endless guilt trip. 

Today, I feel so awful.  I feel so ugly and so unproductive and to make matters worse, I feel unloved and uncared for.  I envy people who have someone that will take care of them, or show them how special they could be...do I still have people I know who could be like that?  Would I still meet anyone who would be willing to be my knight in shining armor?

Oh gawd! This thought just struck me as I am writing this... am I... looking for security in love.  Why of all things... want something I can't have. 

There are thoughts that I remember and makes me realize some things:

• ever since I started to have a boyfriend, I was never out of a relationship.  I was 11 or 12 when I had my so called "serious" relationship. I am 25 now so it means I was in and out of a relationship for 13-14 years.
• my relationships, be it serious or flings, no question brought me joy. all my relationships except for the one I had with my ex-hubby was more of those you would see in the teen flicks or feel good movies.  I now wish, I ahd not complicated my life with commitment. Hahaha!

>> I'm losing my thoughts again... but ergo of this bullets is, it's so damn difficult for me to actually be single.  Oh, shit! As much as I hate or I am ashamed to admit it, i'm having difficulty accepting the fact that I am single and I have no romantic relationship whatsoever.  I know I'm choosing this path, but circumstances and people I know (or want) makes it difficult for me to accept my state.

Am I making sense?!! Noohh!!! I can't even understand myself. Oh, WTF! Another bore to the doldrums.

I've not blog for quite sometime now.  Although I've been meaning to, it's just sometimes, I don't have the time (which is pretty absurd) or sometimes my drive to write is overwhelmed by my extreme apathetic state until I lose all thoughts and emotions pent up inside me. 

It's been weeks since I feel like I am losing myself.  Physically i'm exhausted, psychologically I feel deranged, morally and spiritually... i'm MIA.  Haha! As much as I hate to admit it, I still border between those people who wants to be liberated but can't be because of the values issues.  I do things and yet I am strucked by endless guilt trip. 

Today, I feel so awful.  I feel so ugly and so unproductive and to make matters worse, I feel unloved and uncared for.  I envy people who have someone that will take care of them, or show them how special they could be...do I still have people I know who could be like that?  Would I still meet anyone who would be willing to be my knight in shining armor?

Oh gawd! This thought just struck me as I am writing this... am I... looking for security in love.  Why of all things... want something I can't have. 

There are thoughts that I remember and makes me realize some things:

• ever since I started to have a boyfriend, I was never out of a relationship.  I was 11 or 12 when I had my so called "serious" relationship. I am 25 now so it means I was in and out of a relationship for 13-14 years.
• my relationships, be it serious or flings, no question brought me joy. all my relationships except for the one I had with my ex-hubby was more of those you would see in the teen flicks or feel good movies.  I now wish, I ahd not complicated my life with commitment. Hahaha!

>> I'm losing my thoughts again... but ergo of this bullets is, it's so damn difficult for me to actually be single.  Oh, shit! As much as I hate or I am ashamed to admit it, i'm having difficulty accepting the fact that I am single and I have no romantic relationship whatsoever.  I know I'm choosing this path, but circumstances and people I know (or want) makes it difficult for me to accept my state.

Am I making sense?!! Noohh!!! I can't even understand myself. Oh, WTF! Another bore to the doldrums.

Last Monday I found myself humming a song, Sharon Cuneta's To love again..while scribbling his name.  Funny and scary at the same time.  I feel it is so high school-ish.  But I like the feeling.  Maybe because I'm friends with this college girl who's dating the other lemonhead.  We met at a gig last friday, and by chance or luck, had the most memorable gig ever.  The two guys showered us with much attention we almost melted in our seats.  Right there and then, I am so proud to be his girl...at least one of his girls.  That reasoning is plain stupid.  But nevertheless brings joy to my trampled heart.

Last night, I was at Gweilo's with some new friends.  I've seen familiar faces, heard new names, known a few.  I saw people who are really into the music and people who are just into the band.  And I've seen ladies who would do anyhting just to get my "guy's" attention.  I know we don't have this label of the so-called relationship, but as much I anticipate that these things would happen (people clamoring for his attention) it stills give that depressing feeling you can't have someone because he's a public property...Dang! showbiz...

I just now received a text from my friend.. another friend of ours texted her saying that LG was sweet to me. Oh shucks! I was awake, i'm taking a nap right now and I'm again dreaming!

Hah! I'm back!

It's been quite awhile since I have posted an entry.  Many things have changed.  Ive' met a few people, liked and disliked them.  Diss and got dissed.  Laughed and cried.  Sang and danced. 

It would be my first entry for the year.  First time I was able to find time to get back to myself and free my thoughts.  What had happened with me since my last entry last November?  Here would be some of important (and life-changing) incidences in my life:

• the girl I met at a bar, is now one of my closest friends.  She introduced me to two other wonderful people and we call, our group of four-- BeatleCrewRabbits
• BeatleCrewRabbits are: Charlene, Lolita, Eleanor, Marie.  Each one of us, have our own idiosyncrasies.  Idiosyncrasies that make our group diverse and unique and yet complementary.  Being with these ladies have changed my days, hours and minutes.  I'm now a self-confessed "turtle killer" (no violation against animals have been incurred), cellphone murderer, booze and caffeine filled lass and gig-goer.
• I'm friends with the Optical Guy again.  I have learned from him things that maybe I could post some other time.
• Slowly (and still in the process), I am now deviating my attention to other bands (or genre), which means, I am no longer uber engrossed with LG.
• In my search for ways to re-focus, I have discovered and re-discovered few wonderful things:

1. Magic of pen and paper.  I now have, what I call my own "abracadabra notebook" where I put all my emotions, happy or sad in some sort of literary way.  Not necessarily serious literary stuffs, more of the ha-ha sarcastic writing I was used to.
2. I am starting to collect again CD's of great local bands.  My MP3 player is now playing variety of songs ( I have been fixated with citrus sounds for almost a year).  Although, their songs is still on the list.
3. I kinda lost some weight (kinda...hehe ).  Good and bad.  I feel more confident now-- good!  Some of my clothes don't look good to me anymore-- bad!

Hmmm...so this is just the beginning.  Well, at least for my mindsay.  For those who have visited my page while I'm away, thank you!  You people are wonderful.  Let's continue to share our experiences, our thougths and views and make friends and learn from each other.

i vividly remember when lenard sent me that song.  it's one of those "oh-i-don't-know-such-a-song-exist" type.  breathe in and breathe out.  i dunno. maybe i badly need a breather...from what? i'm not really sure.  from everything i guess.

i didn't woke up in the wrong side of the bed...i think i slept at the wrong side of the bed.  i was sick, again.  i've been sick for countless days. health is wealth. if that's true, i'm a beggar.

i feel miserably, ugly and uncomposed today.  it seems that whatever i put on, doesn't look good.  i feel knowingly stupid...i know am stupid and still i do things that makes me feel stupid.

this is one of those crazy days.  i wish so bad that it'll just go through a breeze. 

blank.

How numb could I get.

How much more could I take.

What made you leave

What made you decide to choose her

How could I say and smile

When I joke about your terms of endearment

How could I tell her name

Without gagging in tears

I dunno how much more I can take

For now I am numb

With the Vitriol that surges in every vein in my body

I had to

I have to

I would

feel nothing.